I recently had dinner with a young woman who went into near panic mode about what to order and then told me I had to decide for her.
Part of me was horrified, and part of me saw a much bigger picture, a key for leadership and an answer that had been looking for me.
Let’s explore this together and make some shift happen.
The Story
Have you ever experienced decision paralysis?
I have. (So have my clients.)
Never as outwardly (and honestly) as my young friend. The ones I see are more subtle, more hidden and have decades of life force behind them. Things like procrastination, deferring, excessive research, waiting for someone else to decide, pretending, etc.
More and more people are realizing how much of their lives they’ve spent being “who they should be” instead of who they actually are – a moment of clarity that is both freeing, and horrifying.
It can be debilitating – and it doesn’t have to be…
So when opportunity knocked and I had the chance to go deeper into this conversation, I said yes – I poked the bear. Instead of judging her, I got curious. Where does the “I can’t make a decision” belief live in me, in her, in our clients, and how is it serving each of us?
In the conversation that ensued during our dinner, I learned
- she had preferences, “how about the salmon?” “NO, I don’t like fish”
Clue – she knows what she doesn’t like
- she was afraid to commit to what she liked, “how about pizza?” “I don’t know”
Clue – there may be a fear stating (or committing to) something she likes, or might like, or wants to try
- she has someone she trusts to make decisions for her, “he’s never steered me wrong”
Clue – she has a trusted (external) force
Great! I was making progress, I gave names to three internal chunks to explore
- The Beast: ‘I don’t know myself well enough’ (what DO I want???)
- The Demon: ‘I don’t trust myself’ (what if I’m wrong???)
- The Ogre: ‘I’m afraid to make a commitment’ (will I regret that???)
I saw that all three were intricately connected, even though they had separate identities and implications.
It was offically on my radar and I began seeing connections in multiple areas of my own life.
Interestingly enough a week later, a client came to me with an identity crisis – her husband was excited about beginning to dive into what he wanted to do for his ‘third’ act in life (i.e. retirement) and she felt like she never really figured out her first act.
She said this despite the fact that she had a career path, had pivoted to the ‘raise two children while doing side work’ career, and now has a blossoming third career. Her Beast was rearing its head.
She was experiencing the “I’ve spent my life being who I should be and I don’t know who I am” crisis. She was experiencing the natural result of how we are raised in our culture.
We are not taught to know ourselves. To be honest, most of us are outright taught to suppress who we are.
The result?
Doubt (the Demon) becomes a constant companion. Second guessing and pushing to attain some outer ideal we’re told will make us happy becomes the modus operandi.
We end up in a prison where we never feel truly free, which makes us vulnerable to every marketing tactic on the planet.
You Have the Answers
The good news is, the key to our prison is right inside.
I took my client down that path. We talked about both her self-value and her values. I gave her a few questions to journal on for herself, about herself – things like if you could go back and change something, what would it be and why? What would be different in your life today? How would you feel differently about yourself?
These questions start to pull the curtain back so we can see the voices for what they are: external voices that don’t even belong to us. Fear of disappointing others, deep-seated conditioning, social pressure, etc. Once we see them, like Dorothy saw the Wizard, they lose their power and we can choose not to buy into them.
That sets the stage for letting go of the ogre (I’ll regret), the demon (what if I’m wrong?) and the beast (do I know?).
“We’ve been conditioned to worship the answer and fear the journey.”
~ Maren Oslac
Two days after our conversation my client shared an epiphany with me. She saw that she’d been measuring both her business and personal success by the single, narrow, western metric: money = success. When she measured her life based on her true values, peace and time, she was exceedingly successful.
She’d actually built her ideal life and she had everything she wanted.
She was free.
Freedom is scary when we’re not used to it. So this led to the existential crisis: “if I’m successful and don’t have the ogre, demon and beast chasing and motivating me, then what? What do I do? What will motivate me?”
I told her congratulations, she just opened the door to her own personal world of awake-aware discovery.
That was not what she wanted to hear. Her conditioning and fear kicked in and she wanted me to tell her what was next, what to do. I was instantly transported back to the dinner with my young friend who wanted me to choose what she should eat.
This is our catch 22. We’ve been conditioned to worship the answer and fear the journey.
Without awareness, we have no choice. Now that you have some awareness, what would need to change in your life to embrace the very freedom you seek?
. . .
This is what we do – we help people bring awareness to the things between them and the meaning that will bring real happiness and joy.
If you are on that path, and you’d like some support along the way, reach out!