The Trap
“I knew I was right.
Why wouldn’t they listen to me?
That night I had a raging headache, kept replaying the day in my head over and over again, tossed and turned all night and woke up exhausted.
Something had to change.”
We’re hearing this more and more often.
And the thing is, we can relate. And we’re sure you can, too. We’ve all been there – caught in the grips of certainty, convinced that our way is the best way and taking it personally when we’re not heard.
In reality, this is a symptom of a bigger issue; an unconscious way of thinking, a rigid mindset.
It’s often called all-or-nothing thinking and it creates invisible barriers that:
- limit our growth (personally and in business)
- damage our relationships
- negatively impact our health
- leave us feeling overwhelmed and overworked
- lower our capacity for patience and empathy
- prevent us from experiencing the richness of different perspectives
It creates a false binary – we’re either completely right or utterly wrong, successful or failing, worthy or worthless. There’s no middle ground, no space for nuance, exploration, or growth.
What makes it particularly dangerous is how it destroys our internal space, our capacity to think, to heal, to feel, to connect, to do and even to be. We feel more and more isolated and shut down.
Power Over
When we’re stuck in right-versus-wrong thinking, we position ourselves either above or below others which creates, or furthers, unhealthy power dynamics. It builds walls instead of bridges, competition instead of collaboration.
It polarizes us.
That’s clearly reflected in society right now – extreme positions that leave no room for dialogue or understanding.
Ironically, this polarization makes us easier to control and manipulate, keeping us distracted by conflict rather than united in purpose.
And we keep looking outside ourselves for answers. We’ve bought into the rhetoric that our ‘the other person’ is to blame and if they could just get their shit together we’d all be ok.
It actually works the other way around. The only way you will ever be ok is by developing your own internal wisdom.
Breaking free from all-or-nothing thinking creates space – space between our thoughts and our reactions, space between our judgments and our responses, space to create and innovate.
Breaking Free
Breaking free from all-or-nothing thinking is all about creating space – space between our thoughts and our reactions, space between our judgments and our responses.
Space is what allows us to observe rather than absorb, to witness our defensive reactions without automatically acting on them. Space is the domain of potential.
The best part: space is free. It’s an inside job available to everyone equally.
The caveat: it does take effort. It also requires willingness and awareness.
All-or-nothing thinking is an unconscious pattern that is reinforced continually by almost every corner of society. The work of mastering your mind benefits more than just you, you become an antidote for society, too.
Three Practical Tools
There are simple practices you can incorporate into your life to begin to make space.
Here are three. Choose one of them and do it regularly. Doing all three for a few days and then dropping them because you’re overwhelmed doesn’t help. Take small, consistent steps.
Conscious breathing creates vital space.
Practice #1
When you notice yourself holding your breath or breathing shallowly, it’s often a sign that you’ve slipped into rigid thinking. Tell your mind that you want to notice when you are holding your breath, or breathing shallowly (hint – if your shoulders are up around your ears, you’re breathing shallowly). When you notice it, stop, relax your shoulders and follow your breath in and out for 10 breaths. Don’t force it, just follow it in your nose, down your windpipe into your lungs and back along the same path. You’ll notice that your breathing changes and your body relaxes. You’ve just made space.
Curiosity serves as a powerful antidote to certainty and opens the door to innovation.
Practice #2
When you are pushed to find an answer, rather than approaching it with a fixed position “What do we need to do here?” question, make space by asking open-ended questions like “What might be possible here?” or simply “Tell me more.” Seeking answers closes the option funnel, getting curious opens possibilities and leads to better inputs, therefore better solutions. This is where innovation lives.
Curiosity also puts space between action and reaction.
Practice #3
Put your mind on alert to notice your reactions. When you find yourself reacting (getting defensive, angry, upset, withdrawn, etc.) observe yourself without judgment. Take a breath. Then get curious. Ask yourself what other feelings you’re experiencing (fear, vulnerability, threat, uncertainty, not enough, etc.). Finally stay open to what might be beneath the reaction and feelings that are coming up.
Modern psychology has shown again and again that reactions are driven by past experiences, not what’s happening in the current moment, we just can see it because we’re caught up in it and don’t have the space. Curiosity makes the space you need to respond in the present instead of reacting from the past.
A New Way
This work isn’t about eliminating all judgment.
✅ It’s about evolving to discernment.
✅ It’s about recognizing when we’ve fallen into rigid thinking and creating the space to choose a different response.
✅ It’s about thinking at a higher level.
Each time we choose spacious curiosity over closed certainty, we heal ourselves and we contribute to a world less divided and more capable of addressing our shared challenges with wisdom and compassion.
Would you like to be a part of a group that is making space?
This is the work we do during our four week Inner Mastery Series.
We take bite sized chunks and break them down even further for daily consistency – and we do it together.
For more information, click here.
Our Inner Mastery Series is provides the internal tools and practices to allow you to change your world from the inside out.
Invest 10 (guided) minutes a day in yourself, for 20 days to find yourself refilled, renewed and ready for a new world of opportunity!
“The height of a man’s success is gauged by his self-mastery, and the depth of his failure by his self-abandonment“
~ Leonardo da Vinci