What is your drug of choice? Achievement, busyness, the next deal, the next PR? You might be thinking – those aren’t drugs or avoidance tactics, they’re virtues – Right?
It depends.
One of the most normalized things in our culture right now is numbing – and it’s likely something you’ve been taught to celebrate and do more of, something you’ve not even noticed.
Just because a behavior is universal does not mean it works, OR that it’s harmless. It’s most likely an unconscious choice that is pushing you – unwittingly – in a direction that’s not fulfilling
Let’s dive in and make some shift happen to make sure you are in choice.
The Numbing Nobody Calls Numbing
We scroll.
Endlessly work.
Binge-watch.
Overeat.
Stay busy.
Have the next goal lined up.
Keep distracting ourselves just enough to not fully feel what’s underneath it all.
And the dangerous part is how quickly it becomes automatic. We don’t even realize we’re avoiding ourselves. The most important part of this discussion – it’s NOT working.
In How to Break Up with Your Phone, Catherine Price writes “I reached for my phone to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”
It’s Not the Technology
We blame phones and new technology, yet it’s not the technology. That sentence could contain any number of items in the place of ‘phone’.
- “I dove into work to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”
- “I reached for the remote/pulled up You/tube/etc. to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”
- “I reached for a drink/food/etc. to soothe myself, but I often crossed the line from feeling soothed to going numb.”
Yes, smartphones have made disassociation easier than ever, yet it’s not a new thing. The key aspect in changing this pattern starts with honesty. Not the beat-yourself-up-hold-your-toes-to-the-fire honesty – more of a getting-curious-in-a-kind-way type of honesty.
Three Steps Back to Yourself
Here’s a quick three step process to change the old, debilitating habit of avoiding yourself into a new empowering habit of knowing yourself, beyond who you’ve been conditioned to be.
1. Notice when you’re numbing out.
Before you can change something you have to first see it.
Take some time and inventory your unique ways of exiting stage left – without judgement. One way to do that is to appreciate how many ways you have AND how creative some of them can be.
For some of you, it’s checking revenue dashboards for the fifth time today or saying yes to one more speaking gig you don’t need. For others, it’s YouTube videos of DIY projects, doomscrolling or your third workout of the day.
2. Get curious about why.
Ask yourself: what am I afraid I’ll feel if I stop moving, stop filling my time?
For a lot of high-achievers, the honest answer is unsettling — “If I’m not producing, I’m not sure who I am.” Or: “If I slow down, the emptiness I’ve been outrunning will catch up.” That’s not weakness. That’s information.
Instead of getting grumpy and telling yourself all the things you ‘should’ be doing and how lazy, unproductive, distracted, etc., you’re being, ask yourself “Why? How is this actually serving me?” Is it the ongoing rebellion against a parent that always pushed, or maybe even a part of you that has a different/better way tucked up their sleeve.
The urge to numb is simply pointing toward something that wants your attention.
When you start looking at these things as clues toward the magnificent life you’re here to live, instead of as something that’s ‘wrong’, or that needs to be ‘fixed’ – the world opens up and energy and fulfillment comes flooding in.
3. Set up your personal assistant.
Now that you’ve started, tell your internal radar (yes part of your brain was wired for this exact thing) to alert you when you’re about to numb out. Not with judgment. Just with honesty.
You will start noticing.
This might look like: catching yourself mid-reach for your phone right after a win, and pausing to ask, “Am I actually feeling this moment, or already skipping past it?”
The goal isn’t to stop achieving. It’s to stop using being in constant motion as a way to avoid your own life.
Every time you catch yourself, say thank you because it puts you in choice. You can pause and ask what’s trying to get your attention, or you can actually choose to numb out for a while. The difference is that you’re choosing it consciously.
Connect to the Life You Really Want
When you’re on auto-pilot, something -or someone- else is in charge, is pulling your strings: a past belief, the need of a parent, the push of societal norms. Those are NOT you and will never lead to the fulfilling, meaningful life that you seek. You’ll never connect with the life that is seeking you.
These three steps bring together awareness and inquiry (the two pillars that are the foundation of our work) to literally build new, more empowering neural networks in your brain.
“Don’t live the same day over and over again and call that a life. Life is about evolving mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.”
— Germany Kent
If the gap between what you’ve built and how empty it feels is familiar, these two episodes go deeper:
- For more on the emptiness of success, listen to Ep 207 (The Thing Nobody Tells You About Success)
- For more on unconscious patterns that run our lives, listen to Ep 213 (The Pattern You Can’t Escape (Until Now))
Listen to The Soulful Leader Podcast on all podcast platforms including YouTube
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