Dreams don’t die loudly — they fade quietly.
I was recently on a podcast with a man who built a lean, solid seven-figure business that’s checking all the boxes. It’s mostly automated, genuinely making a difference in the world, gives him the time to focus on the parts he loves and has little overhead.
Yet, during the podcast the burning question he had for me was, “what does it feel like to really live an aligned life, where you have clarity around your why and your purpose?”
He had everything on paper and still felt lost.
I can’t even say I was surprised by his question, or the passion behind it. I hear it every day. More and more high achievers are noticing this gap in their lives. Our culture’s “best practices” lead us to relinquishing, sabotaging and deferring our dreams, not to following them.
Here’s the thing, your unlived life doesn’t just affect you. Everyone around you feels the weight of who you’re not becoming.
This week let’s pull apart two of those pervasive dream killers: busyness and the identity cage. By the end you’ll see how, for high achievers, they most often become the same thing.
The Busy Lie
“Busy is the perfect hiding place.” ~Maren Oslac
“I’ll get to my dream…”
- After the exit
- When the team can run without me
- When we hit seven figures
- After this season, show, accomplishment, etc.
- Once things calm down
Remember the man with the seven-figure business? He got there. The dream didn’t come with it.
We measure and celebrate busyness. We don’t do the same for our joy, our fulfillment, or even our health, so it’s not surprising that being busy has become a pillar of western life.
A 2017 study by Bellezza, Paharia and Keinan in the Journal of Consumer Research found that Americans increasingly perceive busy, overworked people as higher status.
Stephanie and I did a podcast on it, Is Busy Your Badge of Honor?
The thing is, just because it’s dominant, does not make it true, or even helpful. Its very prevalence is actually what makes it the perfect excuse. It’s easy to hold up proof of doing without ever looking inside at the part of us that is quietly suffocating under a packed schedule.
My fitness app tells me how far I walk (or ride or swim or climb). We have gadgets that measure everything for us – time, distance, calories, heart rate, sleep cycles, etc. They provide all the evidence of our doing. They don’t measure mental engagement or presence or meaning. We put our headphones on and go through all the motions, all the while being completely checked out.
No app has ever buzzed to tell you you’ve been absent from your own life for six months.
Engagement. Presence. Meaning. Those are inside jobs. They take a different kind of effort: self-reflection, downtime, being honest with ourselves. Being busy may feel like progress (look at all I’m accomplishing!) yet it leaves an inner wound, the dream that’s sacrificed at the altar of busyness.
QUESTION: In the quiet moments, is there a voice that is calling you to something that feels deeply compelling? Where could you make some space to explore that in small ways?
The Identity Cage
“Familiar and true are not the same thing. Most of what’s stopping you is just old and unchallenged.” ~ Stephanie J. Allen
“I’m just not someone who…”
- Slows down
- Walks away from something that’s working
- Plays
- Rests without feeling I’ve earned it
- Does things I’m not good at
What you tell yourself -about yourself- is what you will live. The crazy part is, what seems like the “truth” about yourself, the things you’re sure you know, those are really just stories, stories that aren’t even yours. They’re beliefs built from old data: things you were told about yourself that you either accepted or rebelled against.
Over time, that data becomes a personality, a self-concept, a ‘who’ we protect even when it limits us.
Just as our physical immune system identifies threats, builds a defense arsenal and attacks intruders, our ego has an immune system that does the same thing.
Its mandate is ‘me’ (defined by how I think of myself), ok; ‘not me’ (anything outside my current belief pattern), kill it. So when someone (or something) challenges your identity, that identity goes into full swing sorting through old data, pulling up memories and providing all the proof to kill the invader.
Have you ever gone all-in on a new diet or exercise program only to find yourself struggling back where you started, or worse? The internal itty, bitty, shitty committee having a field day at your expense. That’s the identity -you, as you are- preserving itself.
Harvard researchers Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey call this our ‘immunity to change’. Their prescription isn’t powering through- it’s small, safe experiments. My mentor, Daniel Goodenough, teaches to make 5% changes or less. The personality doesn’t see incremental changes as a threat as it can gradually incorporate them. That doesn’t mean you can’t have big goals, or make huge changes, it just means it’s most effective to do it a bite-sized chunk at a time.
That’s why James Clear’s Atomic Habits is a bestseller. He actually chunks it down even further with his signature “1% better every day” teaching us to build new habits, one very small step at a time.
QUESTION: Who decided who you were allowed to be, and why are you still taking their word for it?
Busy IS Your Identity Cage
For achievers, these two aren’t separate. Busy isn’t where you hide from your identity.
Being busy IS your identity.
Being busy got you to where you are, it paid your bills, got you promoted, created the applause. Who would you be if you put it down? Questioning your schedule means questioning the very foundation of your identity.
The problem is that your current identity doesn’t know how to fill the void you’re experiencing. Just like the man making seven figures who desperately wanted to know what it felt like to truly live an aligned, fulfilling life.
What I told him is true for you, too. Living an aligned (and fulfilling) life is not only possible, it’s the birthright of every person on the planet. And it feels very different from the accomplishment driven achievement for which we strive. It’s not a check-the-box-been-there-done-that-got-the-t-shirt way of life.
It’s waking up on an ordinary Tuesday knowing your purpose, present to how life is aligning and what wants to happen for you and with you. It’s being in line at Starbucks and seeing profound beauty and stillness in the overworked cashier while the world around you is frustrated, ill-tempered, anxious or checking emails on their phones. It’s peeling layer after layer that feels like playful, engaging discovery, not work that must get done to arrive at some arbitrary end point.
It’s living in deep joy, internal recognition and fulfillment.
It’s real and if you’re asking about it, you’re right on the cusp of it.
Four Moves to Start Waking Up
Move #1 — Name It
You cannot fight what you refuse to see. Naming the dream killer removes its invisibility cloak.
Journaling prompt: “What is the one thing I keep almost doing?” (the memoir, exit, new partnership, etc. that keeps getting put off)
Move #2 — Question It
Every dream killer has a belief underneath it. Question the belief, not just the behavior.
Ask: “Is this actually true — or is this just familiar?”
Move #3 — Take One Unreasonable Action
Do something small in size, big in meaning. Not a plan. Not a vision board. One modest action that would be unthinkable to your current identity. (Block out one afternoon a month to do nothing – and then actually do nothing). The goal is your own incremental experiment, not solving everything in one pass.
Move #4 — Notice the Resistance
When the immune system kicks in, see it for what it is: resistance. Fire the inner critic and laugh because you know you’ve done something grand – you’ve pushed into unfamiliar territory.
Mostly — be kind. This isn’t about blowing up your life. It’s about waking up inside it.
Send us an email and let us know the dream you’ve been deferring. We read, and respond to, every email we get.
“When you live in alignment with a purpose centered on adding value for others, opportunities become abundant and life becomes fulfilled”
— Hal Elrod
Do you ever feel like your identity is a cage? These two episodes go deeper:
- For more on clearing the debris, listen to Ep 214 (Stop the dream Killers)
- For more on success that feel hollow, listen to Ep 210 (From Emptiness to Fulfillment)
Listen to The Soulful Leader Podcast on all podcast platforms including YouTube
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